last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
