Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
