I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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