Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
