I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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