Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish i was in the wii world.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
