Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
