My cat gives me a boner
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
