'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
