I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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