You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
