Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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