The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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