Im at strip club and am horny
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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