Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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