Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
