I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
