I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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