i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
