how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
