You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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