I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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