I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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