You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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