If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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