I wish my penis had an off switch
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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