I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
