The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
