Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
