Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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