A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
