I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
