I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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