May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
