My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
