it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
