i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
