i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
