no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
