how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
