There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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