I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
