I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
