Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
