Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
