There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
