Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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