I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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