Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
