I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
