i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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