I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
