Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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