a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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