ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
