I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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