so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
