I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
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so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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