I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's Friday. Sex?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
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I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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